Sekkle For Best

Uncles Korg + one likkle speaker + USB Mic + cardboard corner (with no foam) that ripped up moms wall (lix!) + 4 year old brick laptop with broken screen and fall-off keys so i had to press the fricken circuit board! + old monitor i was blessed to find + leggboot Reason = my home studio!

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Aunty Esla: Don't sell yourself short; you deserve so much.
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when i first started trying a ting with production last year November, my stuff sounded like adult contemporary jazz lol. ask Xwell. after i found him in April to help me smooth some things out + started to uh... politic in the sky, i started making some tracks i'm really proud. looking back, i realize that sometime in late august i started to change; i stopped producing and the direction of my writing was different. the concept i had regarding how to market myself was also changing. i know now part of it was due to impatience.

after having a really good, freeing conversation this morning with Whizkid aka The Violinist aka my live music hook up and founding member of the band Sound Energy Flux, i remembered the feeling of how a man's words are able to comfort us as women. i hope men undestand how easy it is for women to get attached to the ideas they propose and direction they lead us in as we're more emotional beings. this is why it's so important for fathers to be present and active in their daughters lives to establish what loving direction looks like and leads to. lack of that presence seems to lead us to be falla fashion or aggressively independent, and neither is balance.

what i've learned after two ex-boyfriends and one male production partner in is that as women, we must be very aware of the direction the men we choose associate with are headed in. love may be blind but we can't use our emotions as a cane lol. if dudes wanna go to war in music? cool. though i do face feelings of aggression everyday and i do enjoy serving dudes their food in some rudegyal lyrics (can't lie), the real, real me would much rather serve them real food lol.

in terms of hiphop... it seems like some dudes like to hear females go off and get dutty stinkin rude aggressive with it on the mic... and others look at you like if it's 1500 B.C.E. and you shouldn't even be speaking lol. personally, i don't want to do that anymore because even if i've conquered that temporary feeling by writing about it/recording it, the fact that its seed was aggression means that when it's sent out into the world, the fruits gonna be ________.

as i told Xwell today, i think it's more efficient (karma-wise) to just scream into a can and bury it lol. no more punching either (only for fun?!). one day i hope to learn how to master just being silent and watching my anger like if it's some eeediat hater coming to tease me.

until then... muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusic.

Xwell's spot he would send me music from + fix up my production ideas. it was crazy finally going to a professional studio! thankful.

RE: KXL

also see Spinelli's Masterpiece. Yawway you would be Mikey?! NIC you're the dougla Spinelli. Gold & Fortune deh yah pon di gully siiiiiiiiiiiide... and then yall secretley go to SCUMA. ha ha haaaaahaha. the only difference between Spinelli and i is our dads, but tough love is still love. ah so it go.

in regards to KXL- the name this blog was operating under with my exceptionally talented and inspirational production partner Xwell, we've decided that it would be best if it was kept as a subsidiary of my marketing concept. Xwell's heart is an excited UFC fighter that's more outspoken than i am (could you believe that was possible?!). he's a tough guy that shows his love through his music, so please listen... work with the kid.

i'm gonna go with the blog/online radio show name i had in summer 2007 when i first started blogging. would like to send an overdue congratulations to the new mommy Mrs. Cook-Dean. should you ever read this, know that through your music, you were the big sister i never had. you altered the course of my life along with my other favourite artists. you provided nothing but guidance and encouragement. i'm still that 13 year old girl, listening. thank you.

PS. KXL sure as hell... Xwell 'til the god's yell. XOXOXO.

"Doing it was the fun part; if it's gone, it's gone."

Awake & dreaming.

in the same Spongebob episode, when the nurse came and told the doctor that Mr. Crabs didn't have insurance, they chucked him out in the hallway!!!! can you imagine that's what goes on in the US? Canada is truly amazing... even with the children shows- ahead of the game.

i just turned on my TV and (since i had already left it on YTV) there was this episode of Spongebob on where a doctor was telling Spongebob and Patrick that Mr. Crabs was in a cash coma- until he got his money, he wouldn't come to. Squidwird was plottin to use them as bait to get the money... in one scene they were actually dressed up like pieces of meat lol lolll. what that reminded me is sometimes we as people will unconsciously (not maliciously) lead each other into danger- whether physical/spiritual/emotional- just for that money/power/respect. everyone knows Squidwird is malicious though lol. in his defense, Spongebob and Patrick are daft (always wanted to use that word!).

for our edumacation:

"Insanity is doing the same thing in the same way and expecting a different outcome."

"Niggas stuck on stupid, I gotta keep it movin/niggas make the same shit, me- I make 'The Blueprint'."

"Hate is temporary, love is necessary."

Jay's Oprah Interview
Lauryn Hill - Repercussions
Dave Chappelle's Oprah Interview

"I'm over revealing what is overly needed... yeup... I said needed- I repeat it." - Lil B  I said it

Red rover, red rover

Kirky via NDG, my reason for stickin with stick, xoxoxo 2 you both

when i first bought my Honda, i didn't even know how to drive standard! i sat in it like what have i doooooooooooooooone lol. all it took was someone to show me what to do- specifically the annoying guy in this video who interrupts man dems game and steals the ball. i remember my basketball star ex-boyfriend (LAW, what up) telling me that when he and his little brother first saw this commercial they were like... what a jerk lol. they didn't think so when NDG and i introduced him to Kirky in real life. ah so it go.

Mmmhmmmm

what a difference a [year] maaaaaaakes.

i'd like to take advantage of the internet and extend these feelings online with hopes that someone may stumble across it when they need it the most: to everyone across the globe that feels trapped by unconscious decisions they've made or are currently making, i'd like to encourage you to find inner strength and courage to conquer those feelings that try to rip the meaning of life away from you. my mom told me 'stoop to conquer'. what i feel that means is you must be ready to bare your burden with a humble heart in order to rise above and regain the greatest gift in the world.

in Guyanese jargon: don't be afraid to KETCH YUHSELF! guess it would be equivalent to "check yo self before you wreck yo self". hip-hop bringin spiritual truth to the youth once again.

on lighter notes, when i was young, i could never watch one animal hunt a next one. now, i watch it and think '...run zebra run!!! the lion's gonna mash you up!!!' when the lion proceeds to eat the zebras food (literally), i think '...ah so it go.'

Blessed.

i went and searched to learn about Mr. Jones and i came across this interview. i really feel i could relate to alot of things he's saying.

one of my good childhood friends Jou aka JJeneral wanted me to come to Fearfest with him knowing very well that i watch scary movies through the cracks of my fingers IF at all. usually, it's if im with a group of friends and they throw one on, or if i'm flickin through the channels - home alone, lights off!- and i wanna test my bravery. i went, learned a lesson and thankfully came back unscathed (aka with no criminal record, shoutouts to Kirby & James nevertheless). joke is, i didn't even have to go into the theme park/haunted house! my adventure that night led me to people watching and self reflection (im boring right?!) and what i thought was cool was after all that, i caught a scene from this movie "Night of The Living Dead" on TV.

i don't know film like i know music (and American history), so i was very surprised to see a black actor (Duane Jones) and a white actress (Judith O'Dea) acting together in a black-and-white film (the irony). the only film like that i knew of was "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner" and that's only because in their Guyanese-pride excitement, my family was convinced that Sidney Poiter's portrayal of a Guyanese man in "To Sir, With Love" meant beyond a reasonable doubt that HE was Guyanese lol lol (he's from the Bahamas). anyways, he was boarding up the house cause i suppose the zombies were coming and she was wildin out like we as women are sometimes inclined to do, and then........... theeeeeeen... she slapped him! she actually slapped him!!!!!!!!! 

......oh, but it doesn't end there......... my man knocked her back!

now, im not making light of physical abuse and violence against women especially since i've personally seen it happen to someone i love when i was 7 years old. what i'd like to get across, especially to young women, is do NOT hit a man! there's no judgement in this as i've gotten into scraps with guys since young, but the truth of the matter is- other than men being physically stronger than us, they're people too. yeah, i said it... men are people too. we cant take advantage of all the rights and rightful power we're NOW starting to gain as women by not controlling our temper. once again, i hold no judgement on any women that have hit/are hitting a man as they read this.

i do cosign women defending themselves, however. the (first) time i was suspended in elementary school was in the second grade when i punched this kid Thomas square in his jaw after he punched me in my face. i don't know, it had something to do with not passing the ball in soccer lol lol. but seriously, it just makes sense to learn self-defense.

moral of the blog post: keep your hands to yourself unless love is involved because if you hit a man, he's liable to drapes you up.

Loooooooooove

50+ years of marriage and my grandpas passing in July inspired the most beautiful poetry from my grandma.

she's painting portraits of them together too... and of sceneries in Guyana that they explored together... and she's 79! i'm so inspired and proud.

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Me: how can i have hate for certain people when so many people are the reason i'm here?
Grandma: god don't hate anyone. god is love.
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Grandma: ow, don't take my hands- they look horrid!
Me: they're beautiful.
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Grandma: you're the only one that takes interest in these things i do because you're airy-fairy like me.
Me: please make sure you tell people you want this published cause i can already see the fights when you're gone.
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Xwell's post made me think 'damn, is my ish this long? cause if so, this is too damn long to read'........:(

since every emotion other than love is temporary + im too sensitive to deal with people not understanding that, i feel like scrapping every un-loving track i have and just putting out music about love, relationships etc. Xwell i know youre not going to like this... i already tried to convince him before. he doesnt understand that im going to have to deal with the repercussions of the emotions i express ALONE. plus, i cant have the 'F em' mentality no matter how hard i try... at the end of the day, im a woman. i'm built differently and i wouldn't have it any other way. what else what else... taking on worldly causes is honourable, but hurt people will kill you if you love them, so feed the poor, shelter the homeless, and nurture the sick from a distance. with money.

new plan: only release positive/non-vengeful songs, get a mask like MF Doom, stay behind the scenes like Sade
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old plan: meet my husband, move to an island, live as farmers, have 12 children (JKLV FC + 1 sub)
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happiness!

i think it's more than possible if i just have a remote island studio and a jet.

PS. i didn't get the job- the second interview was on a street called Mars at his natural pet food plant (haha, i found that funny). he said he was impresssed by my passion and determination, but someone else had more applicable skills. now i'm in debt for two 407 trips for going to the two of his interviews. robbery vs. work at mcdonald's? prison time vs. humility time?

Scarborough Fair

i found this beautiful poem in a book distrubuted by UTSC's The Underground. i was hoping to find out who does their publishing so i could use them for my own work and instead i came across someones artistic expression that touched me.

spent the evening with Fortune and NDG. if i don't have my friends and fam around me to laugh, i have nothing. i forgot what it was like just living for things like that. in this period where i don't have any money to continue with studio work and i don't know if i landed that next job, im going to focus on the things i've been neglecting.

Is That You?

"when having a roomate goes bad"= forgiveness... Yahanan and Kizito... stay strong.

the job agency told me to come in before i start at 4:30pm-12am today. i drove to Brampton... took the 407 with no money (did you know they promised us we wouldn't have toll highways? a Mexican company owns it), i waited, i took the tests, i waited some more. she then told me she had gotten a call in the morning and the people said they cut down their numbers, so she would just keep my info on file. i just drove to the studio and paid a bit of whats outstanding from the last session. i gotta get this job tmr.

what else, what else...

if there's nothing new under the sun.......... whats under the sun? curls are for women, too. shout outs to Sri Lankan dudes with their calabash cuts, ESP when they have curly hair and a fade- Sivan, you actually called ME a heartbreaker...? did you know the Portuguese community in Toronto has (had?) the highest drop out rate. for all the communities, the problem seems to be language barriers immigrants face. i learned this while tutoring in first/second year uni.

Patience.

i could taste it, baby can you taaaaaaaaaaaste it??

man, artists gotta sing songs over...and over...and over... and oooooooover! its no joke! shout outs to Brianna Brown holdin it down on what may be my first music video. i'm proud of myself for just letting things be aka not asking to look at anything filmed, following instructions......... i still have to see it and decide at the end tho!!! i think thats balance.

i can't explain the feeling of really looking into the lens of that camera and imagining someone watching me... trying to transfer that emotion to them when i can't look them in their eyes. i can see how it would feel/look like a vain event when it's not done consciously. but again, thank you Ms. Brianna Brown! Xwell didn't get in the video, but going with the flow even though we had a plan only made things more authentic. next one, kid.

on next notes, i got a jobb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i start tmr, i knew since friday. it's a full-time data entry stint, on-going and in the evening. i got it through babylo- i mean a third party agency. thankful. oh................... and I got called back for a second interview for that full-time salary one!!!!! if im to get this one:

STUDIO STUDIO STUDIO... vacation, expensive natural toiletries, jeans, gold, sneakers, bomb ass winter jacket, albums, paint room, foooooooood and maaaaaaaaybe... juuuuuuuust maaaaaaaaaaybe.... (price is right voice) a new caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!!! i'm thinkin forest green Mercedes, one of the older square back ones with the big emblem... sand interior, woodgrain, standard, slight tint, extraaaaa clean with a big stinkin license plate that says JUSTICE. yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhh. or a jeep. AND a bike... in the summer (NDG waddup).

or maybe it'll be more economical if i just save and build a time machine and teleport back to the 90's................ oh yeah- "and pay back Osap/outstanding debts/help with mortgage/nails done hair done everything did etc etc etc" all this while fighting crime. haha. lol.

i hope no one takes this the wrong way, but I could definitley see myself with a blind man... a man not being able to see and falling in love with a woman is so romantic. where's DareDevil at? can we get a pitbull instead?

shout outs to Yawway back from Montreal! you were missed!!! and shout outs to Jou coming back from Ottawa with a ride!!!!!!!!! steppin up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! big tings!!!!! and shout outs to Jeezy for being a good dad, and to baby bro for handing in his first resume at 14!!! shout outs to all the young men that are trying to do better for themselves and their communities as early as possible and not using age as an excuse.

In short...

i discovered these captions on these pictures from when i learned how to read, so... that should tell you they BEEN there from time. love you Ma.

Case Back2Back

hand delivered, i was told. they were lucky i wasn't home cause we woulda had a good, nice long conversation. true say though, she got her side mash in! i was just left with a dent at the back.  

they want to take my baby (Honda) away from me for something that wasnt my fault (blame Maxwell for making romantic, distracting music) PLUS hit me up for 5G's + $40 registration fee. say it aint so, lord... say it ain't so. NDG... it wasn't your fault. advice to everyone: drive with insurance, drive clean, and back into parking spaces.

haha just took this in... Justice got Justice pon she backside :( the irooooooonnnnnnnnnnny

Dying.

my parents were always strict with what i couldn't watch on TV when i was growing up. they said Angelica from "Rugrats" was too rude, that the fighting in "Sailor Moon" was too violent, and that "Weird Science" was too big for me. little did they know what i was watching with the older yute in the building at sleepovers. haaaaaaaaaaahahaha. wasn't fun and games when i woke up in the middle of the night one time and that scene from an-anime-movie-that-shall-not-be-named-for-the-sake-of-other-children was on the TV...................... scarred me for life from anime. sorry.

shout outs to the DeCastros... Diane, Jason, Mommy Camille. love you guys still. i saw Ryan at the corner store in Malvern the other day but i wasn't ready to talk and wasn't sure if he remembered me... soon re-contact...

PS. RIP Peanut... RIP Cuddles...

Get Son'd

the flip side had "Love Is Blind", "Still D.R.E.", "Da Rockwilda" & "Hot Boys". lol @ "Ride and Die Chick" and "That's What I' am Looking For" haaaahaha. :( @ the fact my writing hasn't changed.

[childhood] memoriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies... don't live like people doooooooooooooo.

i was 11-12 when these videos came out. i use to be irritated on the TTC ride home from school cause i knew i was missing videos- back then we had variety with "Hits From Da Streets", "Cita's World" and "Rated Next" so when a video came on, you watched it HARD cause you didn't know when you'd see it next.

anyways, i'd play the TV through the deck and record songs i wanted on cassette tapes. i lost some of those tapes but i still know all the words.

But really though-

'hipster' newspaper, i guess.

MuchMusic recently offered me a chance to do a track for one of the candidates in the mayoral race (after they clowned me in their end-of-year special). all burning vengeance aside, truthfully, i know nothing about politics. i chose Sarah Thompson & had Sound Energy Flux ready to do the live-band, hip-hop thing. the offer then turned into doing a pre-written battle with some other artists for the candidates. Sean Gold and i agreed that seemed too much of a poppy show, and Whizkid put it straight: "are you getting paid? no?" after all that, i prefer what Eye Weekly had to say. shout outs to Sarah Thompson for putting aside her ego for our city's best interest. real women sacrifice.

Records.

the things i've learned experiencing life with all these different people, different walks, different colours, different opinions... is that i truly know nothing at all. everytime i feel like i do, i immediately get this ground 0 feeling. it's like i've graduated and now im the new kid in a new school all the time.

i'm so conscious of the word "record" now because it represents capturing a moment that i will soon progress from at my pace, in the direction of my choice. it's up to the reader/viewer/listener if they feel there's value in following my personal journey. all i can say is we're all more alike than we'd like to think (and i struggle to remind myself that everyday, too).

Whose Hues?

daycare in Guyana + vintage screwface.

Phoenix Style

was chillin with Xwell and Jesse James at UofT. Xwell had a Tae Kwon Do book and a tennis racket in his backseat... i wanna know why he's trying to learn martial arts when he's clearly a UFC fighter. on another note though, it's amazing to go to the UofT campus and look at it from a different perspective. university sometimes felt like a trap, but now that i take in the buildings where i took astronomy and english courses (Con Hall & University College), i have more of a feeling of awe.

your Tiger style is no match for our Phoenix style.

this was my attempt to capture Con Hall through Xwell's racket for a "fenced in" look = fail

Ignorant shit.

Click & read.

click & read. thank you Dr. Melanie Newton.

when i asked my Grandma about how order and structure was applied in the Indigenous villages in Guyana, she told me that she knew of a case where a young man was "troubling" one of the married women. he was warned, nicely, 2 or 3 times by the village elders and then when he didn't listen again, they waited till he went into the woods and they made sure he never came back...

regardless of how you feel about those governing methods, my question is does our society do anything different? do our rehabilitation programs really work, or are they just there for show and profit?

The weeping prophet.

re: Yirimiyah. one of my favourite tracks.